Faking It

Over the years I have perfected my usual routine in preparation for a night out, and in doing so I've made every effort to minimalize the time it takes me to get ready. I'm not the average 'girly girl', the kind who takes pleasure in the whole process of getting dolled up. That being said, it is probable that my pre-night preening takes more time than it does most men. My usual routine takes me from prim to pretty in just under an hour. First comes a 15 minute shower followed by a mixture of procrastination and a glass of red wine while I dry of. Then it’s a dive into my closet, and a swift outfit co-ordination. Next the make-up; a healthy flick of eyeliner and some red lipstick, or else heavy eye shadow and nude lips. Finally the hair, which if I'm feeling lazy (usually the case), ends up au natural. After a quick spritz of perfume, comes a sigh of relief as I congratulate myself for making somewhat of an effort. That is until I reach the club and it abruptly dawns on me that my finished appearance substantially falls short in comparison. The Barbie dolls put my efforts to shame; visible weaves matched with false eyelashes, fake nails, spray on tans and market jewellery. This look is commonly accompanied with some unsightly facial artwork, namely a pair of pencilled on, arched eyebrows, which ergo makes them look perpetually surprised. Saying that, I'm not sure they could even exhibit a genuine look of surprise due to their (probable) Botox injections preventing any natural expression. I often wonder how long it actually takes these kinds of women to get ready. The most puzzling thing about all this is they think they look good and incredulously some men do too.

Take my friend for example, who is one of many; an attractive, promiscuous, borderline-arrogant male, who admittedly can't get enough of the fake look. Well...that used to be the case until one day he lured a Barbie doll into his bed and she turned out to be a critter. He called me one weekend morning in a panic telling he'd found a stranger sleeping in his bed. With disbelief he quickly realised that she wasn't a stranger, but the girl he'd bedded the night before but stripped bare of any artificial enhancements, including her dentures which he spotted in a crusty heap on his bedside table. He'd looked down at the floor to find two silicone chicken fillets but was distracted by the bright orange stains on his bed sheet; her fake tan. As he was about to wake her up and tell her to go home, he glanced at her face and recoiled. Her make-up was smeared and her foundation had cracked off making her skin look ‘two-tone’ as if she had vitiligo. As he silently shuffled backwards in horror, not wanting to wake her just yet, something pricked his thigh. He peered under the covers only to find a clump of stray eyelashes now glued to his leg.  Once he’d finally got her out the house he’d taken a shower and scrubbed his penis to within an inch of its life, (he’d overreacted in thinking that she’d had plastic surgery on her labia) he sat dumbfounded, feeling ashamed and embarrassed that he’d been so easily deceived. Seeing her in her natural state had him off the fake look for life.

This unfortunate scenario is one of many examples by which men idiotically fall for smoke and mirrors.  Yes, they are partly to blame for being shallow, but they don’t deserve such levels of deception.  The whole fake look is a con. Imagine going to sleep with a beauty and waking up with a beast in all her morning glory; last night she was way out of your league, this morning you’re way out of hers.  Girls, imagine if men used all the tactics we do to bag themselves a girl; think Tom Cruise ‘elevator shoes’, sprayed on abs and padded boxers. We’d be forgiven for thinking they were a hunk when in reality they’re a midget with a flabby belly and a small penis. I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t be happy ending up with that, especially after thinking I was going home with a beefcake.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely against any form of aesthetic enhancement as I’m sure some of you may know, it’s just that some girls take the fake look too far; fake hair, nails, teeth, boobs, lips, eyelashes, they may as well be ‘made in china’. It’s simply too much.  It’s all well and good to want to make the effort and look nice, after all it’s known to boost self-esteem, but don’t alter your appearance so much that the poor guy you’ve taken home won’t recognise you in the morning; that’s just false advertising.