It Would Only Happen To Me

There are three reasons I don't have an iPhone. First reason: predictive text. Second reason: I don't like jumping on any bandwagon. Third and final reason: I hate touchscreen phones...with a passion.

Of course my aversion to touchscreen phones drastically slims down my choice when picking a smartphone. As much as I don't really care what people think, I don't want to walk around with a brick like Dom Jolly from Trigger Happy TV. For this reason I have a blackberry bold 9900, which I was duped into purchasing by a pushy sales assistant eager for an obscene amount of commission. In the words of Julia Roberts; big mistake. Big. Huge! Why? Because as well as having a 'qwerty' keypad, I stupidly didn't realise it doubles up as a touchscreen too. At first I thought I could overlook this flaw and grow to love my little gadget, thinking maybe, just maybe, I'd get the best of both worlds. Woe is me, that wasn't the case. Instead of getting the best of both worlds, I got the worst of one.

The other week I was on the phone to a girlfriend having a good old gossip. She was telling me about some arsehole who'd been messing her around for a while and how she was so 'done' with the whole situation that she was ignoring his persistent texting. Of course, as a friend, I readily gave my opinion on the matter along with some earnest advice. Before long I was jabbering away uncontrollably, procrastinating about some bugaboo douche who'd been harassing me with salacious texts; I suppose it was my way of empathizing. I didn't stop for a breath as I ranted and raved letting of steam. As I continued to talk, there was a quiet beep in my earpiece. Call waiting. I momentarily took the phone away from my ear to see who was flashing up on caller ID; my boyfriend. Without thinking I placed the phone back against my ear and continued to let off steam. I was on such a roll that it didn't even occur to me I was getting no response or affirmation on the other end of the line. Oh well I thought, she must be loving the story. Within moments I said: " Just wait until you hear what this prick said to me. I'll read you the texts." Taking the phone away from my ear once more, I quickly pressed speaker phone and tapped 'inbox'. With a full screen of saucy texts in front of me I relayed them one by one out loud.

"I miss your ass, no-one has an arse like yours ; )" (him)
"Hey booty, where u at? You ignoring me?" (him)
"Crawl back into your hole" (me)
"Don't be mad. I bet your boyfriend can't please you like I can...I miss you. I miss us. (him)
"Wanna come over to mine?" (him)
"Wanna go for Nando's?" (him)
"Wanna ride...on me? : p" (him)
"Wish you were here to back that ass up on me." (him)

After finishing the texts I said : "Honestly, he riles me so much I just want to barr his number, eurgh!" I was about to continue talking once more when I heard a deep eruption on the end of the line. "HUUHHHHHH?!" My heart stopped then sank, as if it had been slammed against a window and was slowly sliding down the glass. I abruptly fell silent, rapidly clicked back onto my home screen and found my boyfriend's name glaring back at me. FML; the touchscreen sensitivity had switched the calls. I didn't even have time to think. My mind went blank with panic.

"Oh, you been caught OUT! You been caught Steph! he bellowed in his American accent.
"Err...." Words failed me. Before I could even reply my phone beeped again. I looked at the screen once more and it was my friend calling back. Bollocks!
"'Err' what?" he chimed in brazenly. "'He arouses you so much you wanna buy his number?!' What the f**k?!" He roared.
"Nooooo. No, no no. Arouses me? No baby, he riles me so much, I just want to barr his number. It's just some idiot guy. It's not what you think!" I begged.
"What the hell is going on? I don't understand! Why are you telling me this?" he said more calmly.
"Um..well..I didn't know it was you. One minute I'm talking to my friend and the next thing I know you're on the line. Why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I thought it was weird, but then again so are you." he said as an easy jibe. "I just assumed you were really excited to tell me something so you skipped the 'hello's' and started nattering!"

The conversation went on a little while longer, where I made every attempt to try and redeem myself. Graciously, he accepted my explanation to be the true version of events and within minutes we were back to normal, though I couldn't help thinking the situation could of ended much, much worse. After I was off the phone, I called my girlfriend back immediately and told her the whole story as she sniggered uncontrollably. "That kind of shit only ever happens to you." she said smiling down the phone. And she's right. That kind of stuff would only happen to me. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the pitfalls of a touch screen phone.