Public Display's of Affection (PDA's)

Hand in hand, a peck on the cheek, a gaze in the eyes, a smack on the lips, a nuzzle on the neck, a lick of the earlobe, a lingering kiss, a full on snog, tongues, groping, partial nudity. This is the trouble with public display's of affection (PDA's), there's a fine line between a coy passionate kiss and the re-enactment of a soft porn movie. Why?  Because everyone's idea of what is publicly acceptable varies drastically.

Now I'm a romantic at heart, no matter how aloof my outward displays of emotion are. I like watching old couples hold hands. I like spotting couples having a quick kiss when they think no-ones looking. I like seeing a man's hand move to rest on her lower back, guiding her. I like small, constrained, intimate gestures. What I don't like are sordid, lustrous, over-the-top exhibitions of affection that encroach on my personal space. The usual culprits are frisky teenagers, sexual extroverts and dogging lovers, whom I prefer to call 'doggers'; the kind of people who get turned on knowing other people are watching. The kind of people who revel in the thrill of putting on a performance. The kind of people who readily force others into being their audience like voyeurs at a sex show.

The infliction can happen anywhere; bus stop, train, park bench, in a taxi, on the street...

On one direful occasion, I got front row seats to a steamy PDA session on the last train home and had no way out. I was plotted on a double facing seat by the window opposite a seemingly innocent (although a little inebriated) couple. The train carriage was full and they started off slow. At first it was a soft peck on the cheek and the holding of hands, but as we passed each stop and people filtered off the train I grew increasingly concerned. The journey between each stop was like a lewd scene of their twisted performance. Stop 1, Scene 1: holding hands. Stop 2, Scene 2: biting the neck, Stop 3, Scene 3: a passionate kiss, Stop 4, Scene 4, a rub on the crotch. I remember thinking I had 5 more stops to go and wondered what was coming next. I also wondered if they were going to move to a more 'private' seat as the train was filtering out, but alas! Of course I'd thought about shuffling over to another seat, but at this point (stop 6) the woman's leg was outstretched and rested on the opposite seat, the seat next to me. I'd of had to climb over her leg to escape. It's as if they wanted me there to fulfil their fantasy. At the rate they were going I might as well of had a bag of popcorn. Stop 9, Scene 9: the crescendo. By the time I'd reached my stop there was soft moaning and partial nudity. Call me prudish, but I felt sick as I stood up and loudly muttered "EXCUSE ME...my stop." 

Obviously this was an extreme instance of a PDA that left me feeling violated, dirty minded and nauseous. I felt I'd been stripped of whatever virginal innocence I had left although I'm sure this isn't the case for all people exposed to lambent acts of sexual passion. PDA's bring out different reactions in everyone; some like me may be disgusted at the most vulgar displays, others may find it funny or get some form of twisted pleasure from it, and for some it may be a feeling of jealousy. I know for a fact (at least from a female point of view) that jealously can often be the reason behind the hostility towards the more intimate PDA's. The softer more affectionate forms of PDA's  that are shoved in our face remind us that we don't have a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner and when you're caught in the wrong frame of mind, it really is the last thing you want to see. 

Flipping the coin, what happens when the PDA offender is you? As a PDA hater, what would you do if you're going out with a PDA lover and you're the one who's caught up in a steamy display of affection? When I date someone, I usually make it clear from the beginning that I hate PDA's. I'm usually the one who bats their hand off my arse or turns my cheek when they lean in for a kiss, but recently I've been on the receiving end of some unwanted gestures. Last week I went ice-skating at the Rockafella Centre in New York with my guy and I had the sudden urge to kiss him right in the middle of the ice-rink. There were hundreds of people watching but strangely I didn't care, probably because I was caught up in the romance of the occasion. I leaned over to kiss him and he gave me a quick peck on the lips saying "Babe, you know I don't like doing it in front of the kids." I felt like a pervert. I never thought I'd be with someone who hated PDA's more than me. An innocent display of romance wouldn't hurt in a while, just keep the PDA's certificate PG.

What Men Want

Sex.

Christmas Comes Early

So Halloween and Bonfire night (UK tradition) are over; gone are the window displays of pumpkins, witches hats, fireworks and sparklers. I’m breathing a momentary sigh of relief. I stress momentary because these items have expeditiously been replaced with something far worse; tinsel and baubles.  Each year the run-up to Christmas starts earlier and earlier, infringing on autumn and summer months.  In some shops I’m guessing the Christmas paraphernalia has already been on display for a while. In more extreme instances, the likes of big UK department stores such as Harrods and Selfridges have had their Christmas merchandising on display since July. (click here) JULY?!  Give me a break; I’d rather bask in the ‘glory’ of my shitty UK summer than start shopping for presents 5 months before Christmas. Why does everything have to be a countdown? I want to live in the moment not waste my life away.  Can’t we just confine pumpkins to October, fireworks to November and Santa to December? Like most normal people who have shit to do, I don’t start thinking about buying décor and presents…well as I say…until December. Call me unorganised but I quite like to revel in my lack of preparation, preferring instead to frantically run around like an elf the week before the big day. At least I can get all my shopping done and dusted in one go and not have to endure being prodded, elbowed and crushed to within an inch of my life so I can buy a pair of woolly socks for my nan.

I find the run-up to Christmas like marmite. You either love it or hate it. You either conduct a Christmas countdown or you consciously try to ignore the ever growing indications that Christmas is coming your way.  I for one hate the run-up. Every year, by mid/end of October I anticipate being robbed of two months of my life in which everything everywhere is dedicated to preparing for a measly 24 hours of gluttony. With a never-ending ‘to-do’ list, my day-to-day life is stressful enough without having to endure zealous Christmas shoppers making me feel bad for not being overly festive. Come November, and while I’m popping to the shops for one or two mundane items, there the culprits are lugging around a brimming basket full of Clinton’s cards, tinsel, fairy lights, and frozen turkeys. Don’t get me wrong I am a very giving person, I wouldn’t’ call myself a Scrooge but I’m certainly not Santa, I don’t have 12 reindeers, and I don’t have a bank account big enough to starting buying Christmas gifts before sorting out my monthly bills. Yet some people are not fazed by their growing expenditure around the Christmas period, and I’m not just talking about shopping for presents or food. External housing decoration; or as I like to call it a 'Christmas eye-sore', is another gripe of mine, especially when people put them up over a month before Christmas. If you want to get excited and do a little countdown that’s fine by me, but don’t plaster disco lights all over your house and keep them flashing all night. In November. Do that and you’ll be sure to get complaints for your tacky decorations.  Take for example this man, who has to have his festive display guarded by police because of angry pilferers.

Or another standard chavvy decoration as seen here:

Imagine living next to that? Lights on 24/7 (illegal), a dozen plastic, shiny snowman in your neighbours garden path, an electric page boy constantly singing “Ding-Dong Merrily on High”? It’s enough to drive anyone insane, let alone 6 weeks before Christmas.

And then as if that wasn’t enough, of course we have TV adverts.  If I have to watch one more Toys R Us advert talking about Barbie, Barney or Dora the Explorer, I think I'll top myself. Yes, I know the adverts are predominantly aimed at children and companies want to capitalize on potential festive consumerism, but it’s a bit excessive isn’t it? Can’t they just confine those sorts of adverts to kids TV channels? Or at least have some kind of process which bans kids adverts after 9pm to stop them being so pointless. Children are so demanding nowadays I doubt parents need any more ideas about what to get them.

But once Christmas Day finally comes around, I’m happy.  A day off work, presents and an ample helping of food is fine by me. All of the things that so easily annoyed me in the run-up to Christmas are usually forgotten about because I’m regrettably anticipating my next annoyance; Boxing Days sales and TV adverts.