Sex.
Christmas Comes Early
So Halloween and Bonfire night (UK tradition) are over; gone are the window displays of pumpkins, witches hats, fireworks and sparklers. I’m breathing a momentary sigh of relief. I stress momentary because these items have expeditiously been replaced with something far worse; tinsel and baubles. Each year the run-up to Christmas starts earlier and earlier, infringing on autumn and summer months. In some shops I’m guessing the Christmas paraphernalia has already been on display for a while. In more extreme instances, the likes of big UK department stores such as Harrods and Selfridges have had their Christmas merchandising on display since July. (click here) JULY?! Give me a break; I’d rather bask in the ‘glory’ of my shitty UK summer than start shopping for presents 5 months before Christmas. Why does everything have to be a countdown? I want to live in the moment not waste my life away. Can’t we just confine pumpkins to October, fireworks to November and Santa to December? Like most normal people who have shit to do, I don’t start thinking about buying décor and presents…well as I say…until December. Call me unorganised but I quite like to revel in my lack of preparation, preferring instead to frantically run around like an elf the week before the big day. At least I can get all my shopping done and dusted in one go and not have to endure being prodded, elbowed and crushed to within an inch of my life so I can buy a pair of woolly socks for my nan.
I find the run-up to Christmas like marmite. You either love it or hate it. You either conduct a Christmas countdown or you consciously try to ignore the ever growing indications that Christmas is coming your way. I for one hate the run-up. Every year, by mid/end of October I anticipate being robbed of two months of my life in which everything everywhere is dedicated to preparing for a measly 24 hours of gluttony. With a never-ending ‘to-do’ list, my day-to-day life is stressful enough without having to endure zealous Christmas shoppers making me feel bad for not being overly festive. Come November, and while I’m popping to the shops for one or two mundane items, there the culprits are lugging around a brimming basket full of Clinton’s cards, tinsel, fairy lights, and frozen turkeys. Don’t get me wrong I am a very giving person, I wouldn’t’ call myself a Scrooge but I’m certainly not Santa, I don’t have 12 reindeers, and I don’t have a bank account big enough to starting buying Christmas gifts before sorting out my monthly bills. Yet some people are not fazed by their growing expenditure around the Christmas period, and I’m not just talking about shopping for presents or food. External housing decoration; or as I like to call it a 'Christmas eye-sore', is another gripe of mine, especially when people put them up over a month before Christmas. If you want to get excited and do a little countdown that’s fine by me, but don’t plaster disco lights all over your house and keep them flashing all night. In November. Do that and you’ll be sure to get complaints for your tacky decorations. Take for example this man, who has to have his festive display guarded by police because of angry pilferers.
Or another standard chavvy decoration as seen here:
Imagine living next to that? Lights on 24/7 (illegal), a dozen plastic, shiny snowman in your neighbours garden path, an electric page boy constantly singing “Ding-Dong Merrily on High”? It’s enough to drive anyone insane, let alone 6 weeks before Christmas.
And then as if that wasn’t enough, of course we have TV adverts. If I have to watch one more Toys R Us advert talking about Barbie, Barney or Dora the Explorer, I think I'll top myself. Yes, I know the adverts are predominantly aimed at children and companies want to capitalize on potential festive consumerism, but it’s a bit excessive isn’t it? Can’t they just confine those sorts of adverts to kids TV channels? Or at least have some kind of process which bans kids adverts after 9pm to stop them being so pointless. Children are so demanding nowadays I doubt parents need any more ideas about what to get them.
But once Christmas Day finally comes around, I’m happy. A day off work, presents and an ample helping of food is fine by me. All of the things that so easily annoyed me in the run-up to Christmas are usually forgotten about because I’m regrettably anticipating my next annoyance; Boxing Days sales and TV adverts.
31st October
I've been trying to ignore the tell-tale signs for weeks; the advertisements, the merchandising, the propaganda, but as the days creep forward and the foreboding date looms, it's getting increasingly difficult to avoid the pumpkins, witches hats and synthetic spider webs on display everywhere I go. Halloween is just another excuse for the retail industry to capitalise on selling needless products at ridiculous prices, forcing parents to succumb to their children’s spoilt shrills.
The 31st October is reasonably high up on my list of dislikes. I'm moderately religious, love sweets and hate children, so understandably why I would look forward to a day which trivialises the occult and where I'm obliged to hand out sweets to bratty kids who incessantly bang at my door? I mean it’s basically a mild form of blackmail isn't it; "Trick or Treat?" In theory I could ignore my ringing door bell or else answer and decline to hand out any sweets, but based on past experience that hasn't gone down very well. Customarily you have to partake in the good will of handing out sweets or else receive various forms of abuse.
A few years ago, one Halloween, I opened my door to find 8 screaming kids dressed in ludicrous outfits accompanied by an adult. In the midst of my irritation, I tried to cover up my callous expression and apologetically explained that I didn't have anything left to give. These children seemed astonished that I wasn’t prepared to give them any sweets and wouldn't get off my doorstep. I found myself in an increasingly awkward situation; all I wanted to do was slam the door and go back inside, but their adult supervision prevented me from doing so. Within seconds one of the little boys whose feeble attempt to dress-up as Frankenstein resulted in him looking more like Jack Sparrow, burst out crying. My ears were violated, I could feel my temper rising and as I politely made an excuse to go inside the adult stepped forward and reprimanded me for being so unorganised. "It’s Halloween for Christ’s sake! You should have been more prepared! Look what you've done? The poor children!" she barked vociferously. Poor children...POOR children?! I wanted to snap her witches’ nose off her face and put her on a plane to Sudan. That'll teach her about 'poor' children. Fool.
On another occasion, whilst at university, I'd answered the door to find a small group of slutty students with sullen expressions sucking on some Chupa Chups they'd been given (most probably by my next door neighbour). They'd declined to use the usual catchphrase "trick or treat?" Instead one of them said "'appy 'alloween, so you gonna give us some sweets or what?" I found it difficult to muster an adequate response because I was so much in shock. With a vacant expression I blankly responded "Sorry, I don't have any," and closed the door swiftly not wanting to antagonise the uninvited guests. Less than a minute later after sitting back down in front of the TV and reeling over what had just happened, I heard a faint crack against the living room window and opened the curtains to find an egg splattered across the glass. Easily wound up, I was seething with anger. Surely there comes an age when you have to stop ‘trick or treating’ and find other ways of celebrating Halloween; like partying.
This leads me on to other issues I have connected with Halloween. Can someone please tell me why women feel it’s acceptable to go clubbing dressed up in next to nothing and pretend to be a ‘sexy devil’ all in the name of Halloween? They look more like morbid hookers. When have you ever seen a real witch in fishnet tights and PVC leather? I have no problem with women dressing up provocatively, it’s their choice, but don’t try and excuse yourself from looking like a tramp because it’s Halloween. I suppose at least with men you get a bit more variety, but maybe that’s not necessarily a good thing. Over the years I’ve seen Batman outfits made of bin liners, men shrouded in white bed sheets trying to pass themselves off as Casper but ending up looking like the KKK, Hitler look-a-likes and men dressed in nothing but black leather speedos. Put your budging ball sack away, I don’t need to see that shit. Can people think of anything more inventive and less offensive? Call me a prude but on certain occasions the outfits really do jar me.
I understand that many people (children especially) look forward to Halloween and may have a completely different outlook on it which I respect within reason, but it doesn’t mean that they have the right to demand sweets, dress inappropriately and get off their face all in the name of tradition.
Tell me, what am I going to do with a 12ft inflatable, tacky ghost? Scare people off my front door? Really?
The 31st October is reasonably high up on my list of dislikes. I'm moderately religious, love sweets and hate children, so understandably why I would look forward to a day which trivialises the occult and where I'm obliged to hand out sweets to bratty kids who incessantly bang at my door? I mean it’s basically a mild form of blackmail isn't it; "Trick or Treat?" In theory I could ignore my ringing door bell or else answer and decline to hand out any sweets, but based on past experience that hasn't gone down very well. Customarily you have to partake in the good will of handing out sweets or else receive various forms of abuse.
A few years ago, one Halloween, I opened my door to find 8 screaming kids dressed in ludicrous outfits accompanied by an adult. In the midst of my irritation, I tried to cover up my callous expression and apologetically explained that I didn't have anything left to give. These children seemed astonished that I wasn’t prepared to give them any sweets and wouldn't get off my doorstep. I found myself in an increasingly awkward situation; all I wanted to do was slam the door and go back inside, but their adult supervision prevented me from doing so. Within seconds one of the little boys whose feeble attempt to dress-up as Frankenstein resulted in him looking more like Jack Sparrow, burst out crying. My ears were violated, I could feel my temper rising and as I politely made an excuse to go inside the adult stepped forward and reprimanded me for being so unorganised. "It’s Halloween for Christ’s sake! You should have been more prepared! Look what you've done? The poor children!" she barked vociferously. Poor children...POOR children?! I wanted to snap her witches’ nose off her face and put her on a plane to Sudan. That'll teach her about 'poor' children. Fool.
On another occasion, whilst at university, I'd answered the door to find a small group of slutty students with sullen expressions sucking on some Chupa Chups they'd been given (most probably by my next door neighbour). They'd declined to use the usual catchphrase "trick or treat?" Instead one of them said "'appy 'alloween, so you gonna give us some sweets or what?" I found it difficult to muster an adequate response because I was so much in shock. With a vacant expression I blankly responded "Sorry, I don't have any," and closed the door swiftly not wanting to antagonise the uninvited guests. Less than a minute later after sitting back down in front of the TV and reeling over what had just happened, I heard a faint crack against the living room window and opened the curtains to find an egg splattered across the glass. Easily wound up, I was seething with anger. Surely there comes an age when you have to stop ‘trick or treating’ and find other ways of celebrating Halloween; like partying.
This leads me on to other issues I have connected with Halloween. Can someone please tell me why women feel it’s acceptable to go clubbing dressed up in next to nothing and pretend to be a ‘sexy devil’ all in the name of Halloween? They look more like morbid hookers. When have you ever seen a real witch in fishnet tights and PVC leather? I have no problem with women dressing up provocatively, it’s their choice, but don’t try and excuse yourself from looking like a tramp because it’s Halloween. I suppose at least with men you get a bit more variety, but maybe that’s not necessarily a good thing. Over the years I’ve seen Batman outfits made of bin liners, men shrouded in white bed sheets trying to pass themselves off as Casper but ending up looking like the KKK, Hitler look-a-likes and men dressed in nothing but black leather speedos. Put your budging ball sack away, I don’t need to see that shit. Can people think of anything more inventive and less offensive? Call me a prude but on certain occasions the outfits really do jar me.
I understand that many people (children especially) look forward to Halloween and may have a completely different outlook on it which I respect within reason, but it doesn’t mean that they have the right to demand sweets, dress inappropriately and get off their face all in the name of tradition.
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